This is a two parter! Just so you know. And, um, this is part one...
During my Brown Belt intensive this past October, Debbie Rosas Stewart talked about life at home and the Nia life (my translation). She poked a stick at my attempts at leading a normal, dual existence. What Debbie said amounted to the concept that I cannot have a fabulous Nia life/career when the rest of my life "sucks". I don't know if anyone at the studio noticed, but I'm pretty sure I turned green. No. Now I realize that just because Debbie says it doesn't make it true - but I know a truth for me when I hear it - and feel it and this one hit me square in the pit of my stomach.
For 6 years I have been living this double life - aren't you glad you tuned in for today's drama?!? Very consciously, with all the mindfulness that would make Thich Nhat Hanh proud, I have separated my "personal" life from Nia. Nia is my Joy, my pleasure, my fun and has been my crutch and my shield. The rest of my life is complicated (see my Facebook status?!) - but whos isn't? (You can read more about this in part two so stay tuned!)
Over the course of my childhood I learned to express my emotions (particularly the angry ones), but I did not learn to respect what I felt. As I grew up I became the angry woman; with a
hair-trigger volatile temper. I was out of control. I was also lonely and disconnected - a hair-traigger makes it difficult for other people to relax and trust. Family conditioned me to express my emotions (I was the "angry woman", but I experienced love as deeply as I experienced anger). Society conditioned me to be embarrassed and ashamed by my facility to express. As a teenager I felt no need to fit in - I had always been "different" and I was ok with that. As I got older and got past the stage of teen angst, I discovered that I kinda did wanna fit in and have friends and be "normal". While I had resisted the conditioning of society, I still knew what it was about and what the rules were if I was to be a successful human being.
I learned to fit in. I conditioned my body to be lean and fit so that I could wear the "right" clothes to wear to outings and events. I even knew how to dress for a certain sub-group of people I would be spending time with at a given event. I conditioned my mind as I learned the language and how to use it. I conditioned my emotions and my spirit by quieting the out-spoken person living inside the presentable face. Given that I am a "pleaser" all of the above was pretty easy to accomplish. With sweater sets in a multitude of colors and button styles and my volunteer resume' always in hand, I was practically June Cleaver! I even had the pearls!!!! I rose in the ranks of the Mom Crowd. I was voted onto a school board, I even became VP of Volunteers! I had arrived.
Then (dum dum dum), I moved to a place where nothing I did made me acceptable. I couldn't wear the right clothes, or make the right sort of conversation. I wasn't pretty enough, or plain enough, or tall enough or short enough, feminine enough, athletic enough, modest enough or bold enough. I just wasn't enough.
This "enough" thing had always been around. Throughout my adulthood I felt the need to work to please, because in my heart and mind I knew that I wasn't enough, but if I worked hard enough (which I couldn't ofcourse), I might be sufficiently acceptable. I would never be "enough", but that was something I would just have to live with and hide. If I could be pleasing, maybe no one would notice my lack of enough-ness.
With all of this conditioning under my belt, I found myself in a situation in which nothing I did made me acceptable. After a couple of years of this, I finally came to the conclusion that, hell, if I'm not going to be the right kind of anything, no matter what I did, I may as well just be me. But I'd spent all those years squelching, resisting, holding in and numbing the "right" emotions so that no reaction could slip out without proper processing. I had effectively rendered the "angry woman" powerless. I rarely felt angry anymore. I also rarely felt joyful or excited (being too excited about anything is also not acceptable in adult society) about much.
I started teaching Nia and not only did I fall in love with the way Nia made me feel in terms of physical sensation, but I fell in love with the philosophies. I am completely in love with the concept of tweaking Nia to fit my body as opposed to tweaking or changing my body to fit Nia. To be in relationship with Nia I only have to be who and what I am. I no longer have to go through some convoluted process in order for Nia to accept me (or for Debbie to accept me).
I am, yet again, re-conditioning myself, but with far more finesse then ever before. I am gently asking my body what it needs and I am truly listening. When I react emotionally, I am taking a moment (or 120) to dig out the real cause with compassion and patience. I am stalking my mind for judgements. It is my intention to let thoughts just pass through without attaching any immediate significance. This is my biggest challenge - lots of patience required here. As for my spirit - it's never been happier! The more I accept who I am the more creative I become and the more Joyful.
I am passionate. I am strong. I am curious. I am opinionated. I am Loving. I am uncertain. I am impatient and patient. I am tolerant. I am compassionate. I am easily distracted. I suck at math. I am creative. I am sensitive. I am healing.
If any of this resonates with you, please feel free to share your experience.
Wow Catherine----you have expressed your feelings so eloquently and beautifully. Thank you for sharing............
ReplyDeleteWow. I bet that felt good to get that down on paper (or on cyber paper anyway)! I so enjoyed reading this! And honey, oh my how it resonates with me.
ReplyDeleteI was an angry child. I was an angry teenager. I was an angry adult and I can still pull the angry bit out as a senior. Yes, I'm calling myself senior -- I'll be 60 in 41 days and it pleases me (except for the added wrinkles, chicken skin and aching muscles) to no end to have made it this far virtually unscathed.
I didn't fit in when I was in grade school (and was labeled a "slow learner"); I wasn't popular in high school and didn't date much at all so it's no surprise that I ended up giving myself away to fit in as I got older (that's a whole 'nother story). It wasn't until I was 30 that I actually woke up to the fact that I was living a lie. The truth of who I am is radiant, compassionate, beautiful, expressive, creative. That is not how I was living my life. So when I received a greeting card one day from a good friend (with whom I had lost contact) that simply said "Where Are You?", the light went on and it hasn't been turned off since. Well, there was this one time in New Jersey...but we won't go there. I sometimes wake up in a sweat thinking about the ridiculous ends I would go to in want of love. Ick.
As is the case with most spiritual journeys, mine began because of a person. Not a book, not a movie. A real, live person who was living the truth of who she was -- jumpstarted my spiritual journey. I was hungry.
And through it all was "Dance." My parents would always see to it that we had everything we needed, but they also knew that I was not at all disciplined enough to take on dance lessons, so I never had any formal dance training. My dance training has all been self-learned. Put the music on, let my body move and feel the spirit soar. It always worked. If I was sad, mad, angry, scared...I would put some music on and dance, dance, dance.
So in 18 years (from the age of 30 to 48) I grew spiritually. I gave up much of my material life (no, I didn't join a monastery), but I did let go of a lot. And it wasn't one big shoving of crap out the door. It doesn't work that way. It is living day by day, knowing that my purpose in life is to be a blessing, not a curse.
I have truly experienced life to give back...it gives back exactly what it receives. Letting go of one's need for control, for one's need to express ANYTHING other than being a blessing, is liberation of the highest degree.
Then came Nia into my life. Ten years now. My my. Who would've guessed I could be so blessed? Nia runs through every aspect of my life. It is in my blood, in my cells. It's in the way I think, talk, act. Nia runs parallel to my personal spiritual journey. They are one.
So for you I would say this: Brown Belt is all about Energy. Nia is all about creating space. Those two together create change, whether one likes it or not, which is my theory for why some students don't stick around -- they have no interest in changing anything about themselves. They just wanna come in, dance and go back to living their mostly unconscious lives. That's not a judgment. That's reality. I see it. Students who continue along the Nia journey find their lives being transformed. It's an amazing lifestyle practice disguised as a cardiovasuclar dance exercise. It's magical.
I love you Catherine. Thanks for the opportunity to share.
I am delighted to call you friend. I'm delighted to have spent the time we did together in Portland at FAB.