My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness and the inverse is also true.
It's taken me a long time to really embody this. Until recently, I could not even entertain the idea that what I considered my weakness could, in any way also be considered a strength. My weakness needed to either be "managed" or hidden - which to me pretty much amounted to the same thing - keep others from seeing.
(This is a bit lengthy as it's the first time [ever] that have communicated this journey and have not discovered how to "cut to the chase" just yet! Feel free to skim and jump to the end if you can process it that way.)
The problem has been that my so-called weakness is such an integral part of my personality and character that I have not been able to hide it for long."Managing" it became a Jekyll and Hyde dance of struggle.
I have quite a few projects going on right now (which makes me very happy) and one is participating in a video series created by Christian Pankhurst (feel free to check out his work - Accelerated Awakening). Part of this work is doing the homework - some fill-in-the-blanks to reinforce the video experience and then some introspective work with short journaling. I love this! I'm freakishly tactile so I benefit greatly from paper and pencil work.
"Shadows" in this work are defined as the parts of us that we keep hidden; the skeletons in the closet - the monster in the basement... The downside is that it takes a lot of energy to keep something hidden - if I'm not making sure nothing is peeking out, I'm in constant fear that someone is going to go poking around and uncover something.
I have learned what defensive strategies I use (consciously and unconsciously) to keep my Shadow hidden, how I soothe the grief and disappointment of feeling unaccepted, mostly by myself (this is not part of the series work, this is my own work) and what could happen if I were to view my Shadow as a gift.
My Shadow is the reason I've had Nia classes to teach for 8 or so years. My Shadow is also the reason I have difficulties connecting to others deeply and lost friends, and potential partners. When I was a teenager, my Shadow manifested as an activist. After I was informed that I couldn't change the world and should mind my own business, my attention shifted to a variety of movement forms and subjects such as Astronomy, the Assassination of JFK, Middle Eastern history, Ancient Egypt, etc, etc, then fitness. I began to teach fitness but what I really meant was I-wanna-understand-how-our-beautiful-bodies-do-what-they-do-and-I-wanna-share-this-growing-passion-with-others!
Calculus was the wall I hit in Astronomy! The concepts are fascinating but without the math, I could only go so far. I found my wall in fitness too, but it was a different wall. Fitness was about the physical realm and when I began to marry my dance background with fitness I felt the doors opening in mental, spirit and emotional realms as well and I had to go into the light! At the time, and even now, few were willing to go with me. That was okay, my Shadow was excited to come out and play!
When Nia and I found each other and came to a mutual understanding (it was not love at first dance for us), my Shadow and I began the long journey towards integration, truth of self, self-acceptance and deeply understanding the meaning of the statement with which I began this lengthy post.
Through a interesting twist of fate I am inviting the activist back into my life and just yesterday I exchanged a communication that dropped some of the most enlightening information in my lap that I have ever received.
I have learned to dance with my shadow.
I have learned that not only is it a solo dance. If and when another joins my dance or invites me into his or hers, I have more than exuberance and "gross" emotional anatomy. I have finer emotional motor skills that I can engage.
These skills will allow room for both of us to dance.
If I misstep and lose my partner for a beat or two, I have the space to adjust and find a step with more flow without diminishing my partner's dance or my ability to adapt.
I am grateful.
Post Script: When I hid her, my Shadow would often emerge as anger, not entirely unlike Fire Starter. Flares would appear until I could get the door slammed shut and bolted. Choosing my "battles" went a long way towards fewer and fewer flares, but until I unbolted the door and invited her out into the light, I was only in relationship with two-thirds of my self. Now I choose to unbolt the door, release the struggle and thrive.
