Acceptance

Acceptance has never been a word I use often. When I was a child my mother used to say "that's the way it is". It made my viscera churn (I'm practicing my new vocabulary :). It still does. I have come to the conclusion, after 40+ years of observation and interaction with my mother that what she meant was "this is how I want it to be, but I will not take ownership of it" and/or "I'm a big a victim of my life as your are and we just have to endure it". My mother is very sweet person, the gentlest human being I have ever met, but she was and is a victim of her life. I was too, for a long time. I realize this in hindsight (nasty and 20/20)I'm not built to be a victim, though. I'm not exactly sure why - I could throw out a few theories and some one-word descriptions of my personality that may or may not shed light on the subject - but it'll stand: I'm not sure why.

I have come to understand that there are some things I must accept: the weather, that other people's baggage is other people's baggage, that I cannot make others see me the way I know I am inside and that just because I accept my life as it is right now does not have to mean that I like it or plan to continue down this particular road that is my life in this moment.

In the Happiness Trap, the author, Russ Harris, defines acceptance as "about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality... and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment." Harris continues to propose that "the more fully you accept the reality of your situation - as it is, here and now - the  more effectively you can take action to change it."

That truly resonates with me.

Acceptance no longer makes me a victim of my life, it makes me a conscious, proactive participant, moving forward towards creating a fulfilling life that is mine.

So! I can choose to sit in the dirty bath water and whine about how dirty it is and wait for someone to "fix" it or I can stand up (not always easy), grab a towel (definitely not always easy - mmm, which towel?!?!?), and step out of the dirty water and onto a firmer, more pleasing, healthier space.

Touch. Know. Love.

I have always been affectionate but I have not always know what to do with that affection. I was raised in the U.S. where touch outside of the family is a tricky path but I was raised but a European father who understood that human touch is natural and necessary.

As it stands, in my forties, I have just come to a fuller comprehension. If I feel moved to fully embrace another person and explore that person through touch, it is not necessarily sexual. That is truth.

I'm in the throes of reading a lovely book, To Love and Be Loved by Sam Keen. The essence is what he terms "mindful love".

(For clarity, Keen's use of the word "love" extends beyond lovers, spouses and family members - incidentally - an idea that came to me just days before opening this book [the beauty of timing].)

Mindful love involves opening oneself to another and having that other open to you so that each may truly know the history, the life, the experience that has created the present individual.

There is love in knowing.

In Being Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh offers that it is impossible to hate someone I understand. From experience, I also know this to be truth.

To be sincerely empathetic, to be a good lover (one who loves), to understand and to be able to create a relationship (friend, lover) in which there is intimacy, I must know you and you must also know me. Not who you think I am, not who you assume I am from bits of conversations or misunderstandings, but from first hand experience.

In the Nia communities I have experienced, there is a healthy amount of touch. Safe, accepted, seen and supported is what I feel.

All of my life I have "received" from others. I have felt them, sensed them and often I have been inspired or compelled to reach out with touch. With strangers, I had never followed the inspiration until recently and to say it blew me away doesn't even begin to give weight to the effect. Much confusion and pain has followed but I have learned to trust myself. The openness that it required for me to approach this person I did not know and share inspired touch has remained with me. Even in moments when I deeply wanted to shut out I found that I really couldn't. In natural time, the shift resulting from this experience is just now happening.

This particular journey is sprouting from the seeds of what, for years, has been my "quirk". I am intensely sensual, and amusingly tactile - to my kids who, even when they were little had to remind their mother not to touch items on the shelves in stores! It is my desire to touch all surfaces I see - and that includes the people who intrigue me. This is not generally on the list of "socially acceptable behavior". I have said this before: sensual (pertaining to the senses), tactile, somatic, kinesthetic and it looks as if the time has come for me to begin to understand why I was built this way. I am putting the puzzle pieces in place - I now have more of the pieces than I have ever had before.

Being body-centered is wonderful since I teach movement. Being sensual and tactile can be very, very interesting in this world.

"Pertaining to the senses." For me this entails having very little in the way of filters for incoming information. I am hit with everything. Visual stimulus, auditory information, the somatic (temperature of the room, texture of my clothes, itch, and other pain as well as the contact any part of my body may have with another object). Add to that the emotional (mine and others) and mental (the "voice" of my own thoughts) and the processing of all of this). I have devised and have had suggested a variety ways to "shut it out", to "only allow in what is safe" but I'm not built like that. As an ADHD human, I struggle with prioritizing what is constantly streaming in. Without medication my brain cannot differentiate in importance, the test I'm taking from the bird flying across the parking lot or the guy tapping his foot. I don't know how many other ADHD humans experience this. There is medication for my brain, but not for the rest of me.

These discoveries are a continuous journey; a work in progress that I have stopped to acknowledge.

The importance of touch. To touch. To be touched. To be Seen, Heard, Known and Loved. To See, Hear, Know and Love.

Divine Timing - Someone else said it better...

"Simply affirm that every action puts forth positive energy and attracts a corresponding result that will manifest when the timing is right.
Releasing our expectations and allowing events to unfold naturally helps us feel more relaxed and optimistic as we pursue our goals. We often get so caught up in trying to direct and control every aspect of our lives that we become frustrated when people don’t cooperate with our desires or events don’t turn out as we had planned.Our willingness to step back and release the need to be in control allows the universe to orchestrate events in our favor. We then feel relaxed because we aren’t trying to force events to conform to our expectations, and we develop a stronger sense of optimism that everything will work out in exactly the right way at exactly the right time." (excerp from the Daily OM)

Heal Thyself

I have heard, many times, from many different people that we seek to fix in others that which in need of repair in ourselves.

I believe it. I am doing just that.

Do I believe people need "fixing"? No, but I see in others similar needs as I find in myself. By nature I am a fixer. That means that when another human being shares that something is not right, my first response is "how can I help 'fix' this? How can I support you?". While I believe that people do not, indeed, need to be 'fixed', I also honor their process by reminding myself that I cannot 'fix' their experience. That perhaps my silence and inaction is the best choice.

When I began developing the idea of a Nia-based wellness program, I felt that I had much to share. Very, VERY shortly after deciding to use this blog as a development tool for this program, I discovered that I also have much to learn and to think about.

Thank you, Deanna Elaine, for "I am here to..."

My writing of this blog reveals my heart; it reveals the human spirit residing within this body.

On the outside, I have come to realize (from much feedback) that often when I communicate, my words come with a torrent of energy. Over the years and recently, I have been described as intense, forward, hard, brusque, sharp, emotional, harsh and intimidating, I "come on strong". In contrast, I've also been described as kind, gentle, passionate and expressive.

I can tell you anything I want in terms of the why I am the way I am - but the why (though very important to me in order to continue to move forward) it doesn't really matter. I have been working on my communication style for a long, long time and this work will probably never be finished. Frankly, from the inside, it is painful to be described as 'too' intense, forward, hard, brusque, sharp, harsh and intimidating. 'Emotional' I'm good with.

The bottom line for me is that while I am all the adjectives above, I am also like every other human being and my sum is greater than my parts.

I am deeply grateful to those who care about me and our relationship enough to share with me how my communication was received in the context of not only my transmission but their reception. In other words, acknowledging that, yes, I came across as (fill in your favorite adjective), but also acknowledging and taking responsibility for their response.

I felt accepted and rather than being deemed disposable, open two-way communciation cleared the path for growth on both sides.

If the person I am communicating with receives me "wrong", am I still responsible for my communication? Yes. 

I cannot control (and am not responsible) how another person will hear me nor how they will react and respond.  My responsibility lies in keeping the opportunity for clarity available and for honoring the other person's process. My responsibility is how I respond. My responsibility is also to stalk my emotional body and be present to how my communications may be colored by turmoil within.

"It's not what you say but how you say it."

I believe it is both the words I choose and the way in which I deliver those words.

Even in the tenderest, gentlest voice, "fuck you" is still "fuck you".

...the work continues...

Growing as a Nia Teacher

"When my time comes, forget the wrong that I have done.

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed." Linkin Park

It's funny (read ironic) how painful experiences can reap remarkable rewards. While I surely do not recommend that you run about hurting your friends' feelings so that they may grow as human beings, it has been my discovery that when it comes, pain can be its own teacher. To clarify, it's not the pain itself, but the event that triggers the pain (being a bit sardonic here). We'll come back to this!

I have been gifted the opportunity to share in the process of developing a workshop series for other teachers with two Nia teachers who happen to be 2 of my closest friends. This is an offering I have wanted to share for sometime, but I have come to believe that I was not intended to walk this path alone. I had to wait. Up until now, the time never felt right; not enough interest, too many other things going on - the soil was not ready. Now that the soil has been prepared and seeds planted, we are getting buds - an how appropriate in April! In June there will be blooms; velvety petals in a variety of hues and fragrances.

Back here, in the present, I am working on structure, flow and content.

How? When?  What and How Much? 

Focus: Expand Teaching Skills using the Continuing Education Model

(White Belt Principle 12)

Intention: to Deepen, Enrich and Support Nia teachers in a collaborative environment in order to Create, Sustain and Increase a thriving Nia Community

 For research, I'm delving back into my White, Blue, Brown Belt manuals as well as the Green belt prep manual and the constantly growing amount of information available to me on the Nia website. I've discovered that these works not only support how I share and communciate the magic of Nia in my classes but also how I share and communicate in the world in general. And how interesting that the sections I turn to are not only the ones with needed information to share with other teachers, but also what I need on a personal level. Oh, yea, I remember covering that - it was so relevant, now I'm back and I require a refresher and time to dig deeper.

 

Truly, I never learn so much as when I share!

 

As present as I believe I am in sharing Nia with students, I have discovered that I have an unconscious "checklist". I seek to do something, such as be fully present to my students as I speak. When a certain comfort level or level of accomplishment is arrived at, this skill, technique or tool is checked off the list. This means that I am no longer quite as vigilant about my impeccability. So while I believe that I have been doing my best in terms of communicating with my students during class, I realize that I have fallen into an old habit. I'm talking too much. I had checked it off my list. 

 

How, you surely must be asking, did I come back to myself? I had a rather harrowing emotional event a few hours before I was to teach 2 Nia classes. From some reading in White, I remembered a passage about the importance of teaching from my own experience; if I didn't bring my experience then I would be faking. I was very hurt and I didn't feel like speaking, so I spoke very little in class. I brought the hurt and disappointment and I let it flow and dance with me. No tears, no drama. The energy flowed and the few words I used were just right. I felt the power of my silence, allowing me to hold the space for my experience and I felt the power of the silence through which I could honor my students and their personal processes.

 

This allowed me to continue to work through my personal issue without bringing it to my students and without damming it up, pretending to be happy and f.i.n.e. (freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional!). The feedback from students was that class was a tight, high-energy workout.

 

Nia is the "everything" class.

When my spirit feels especially creative and wants adventure. When my body feels the desire or need to become more mobile, stable, more agile, stronger and more flexible. When I want to explore emotional expression. When I want to play with mental precision and focus. Nia offers me all of that - in every class if I choose to accept it. All of that is there, available, for everyone - for every Body!

 

The Magic of Nia!

Why Black, Why Now?

Nia is an organic movement and lifestyle practice.

In December, I made the decision to take the Black Belt Intensive this year. At the time I felt compelled for a reason I could not put my finger on. As the new year blew in, and brought with it a host of new decisions, additional, more painful responsibilities, grief to be met and dealt with on several levels, what I received was, "this is for me".

In 1999 I took the White Belt for the first time. My life was in transition. I was completely unsettled; not sure where I was going to be living, if I would have a job when I returned to South Carolina from North Carolina. I needed to open a new chapter that was truly mine, not something I picked up from someone else. I'd been teaching fitness and wellness already for 7 years. It wasn't what I wanted to share with the world anymore - it wasn't enough. For the first time, I opened this circle, for me.

I had no idea what I had stepped into...

I didn't teach anything for the 5 years.

When I moved to a new home 1000 miles from home, I felt isolated. I didn't fit in (I hear those sarcastic gasps!). I needed my place; a place for me. I created it with Nia.

In 2006 when I took my Blue Belt intensive, I was ready to expand; to explore more of this world, to add another elegant element to my circle. There was Magic there, I could feel it and I wanted to learn how to share more of it with my students.

White Belt had offered me the safe place to discover why someone who had spent her entire life dancing couldn't shimmy. A gift.

Blue Belt invited me to face my shyness and social awkwardness; again in a safe space, but in a space that requested I take ownership of my discoveries. Another gift.

Last year, I immersed myself in the White Belt intensive again. After 11 years quite a bit had changed, but much was the same too. I could be a student, a beginner. A powerful gift. This White Belt reminded me of the discipline that was lacking from my personal practice as well as what was lacking from my professional practice. This foundational week also found me standing in the front of the group (not as teacher, just, in an extremely rare moment, in the front of the room), tears streaming down my face, once again acknowledging a long-time demon. Not feeling shocked and speechless as I had the first time but angry and determined to be done with these limiting issues. It was another step toward getting out of my own way. Another another gift!

 It was important for me to re-take the entire belt rather than auditing sections. White Belt is the foundation to all of the Nia work, many years had gone by and many changes had occurred. In order to be the best Nia teacher I could be, my foundation had to be strong and has to remain strong. I have to keep up. I want to keep up!

Green Belt, 4 months later, allowed me to choose to be a beginner. At other times, it was reinforced that I am on the right track technically as a teacher. As in all the belts, there were the "ah ha" moments and the "ah" moments as well as the delights of learning a new skill. Yep, more gifts.

 Brown Belt, 3 months after Green, opened my Body, Mind, Spirit and Emotions to the deeper, higher, wider and richer possibilities of Nia and of Life. I will be processing that experience in some way for the rest of my life. Gifts indeed.



Each time I was asked why I had come to take a particular intensive, one of my answers was invariably to improve my teaching skills and to be able to offer a more enriching Nia experience for my students.

 

I was swimming around in my Blue Belt manual earlier tonight and I arrived at Principle 6 and read what I was not ready to receive at the time I took the intensive (maybe I didn't need it yet). This Principle deeply resonated with me at the time of the intensive. I felt as though I'd found a missing puzzle piece. This piece affected me as a teacher and had always affected me as a woman, friend and mother.

Tonight, 5 years later (next month) I am reminded that I still have much to learn and put into practice. Another piece of the puzzle was revealed. I am only Crawling in one aspect of Principle 6 - and sometimes I'm only Creeping... but as long as I am practicing, I am moving "forward".

Why Black Belt? Why Now? For me.

It's time for my circle to reach it's fullness. I will simply have taken all of the basic belts. I'm still tripping over my own feet, socially and sometimes literally (mercifully my students pretend not to notice!), but I can honestly say that I am doing my best. I'm not just listening and reading, I am DOING. I have incredible tools to create the meaningful life I wish to live. 

It's time to open the next circle. Once again I am in transition. Nothing is certain. Where will I live? How quickly can I finish school? When will I have a job? My parents are slipping away and my youngest is leaving home for college next year. When I told a friend (and fellow Nia teacher) that I had signed up for Black, her response was, "Wow! That's big! That's really big!" I agreed but didn't feel the full power of her words. I do now.

Yea, Kim, this is gonna be really big! Thanks.

I've almost done them all - so by the end of this year I will have learned all there is?

Not. Even. Close.

My Black Belt intensive will be both ending and beginning.

And that point is what drove me to create this post.

What will Blue reveal to me next? White? Brown? Perhaps I should spend a bit more quality time in Blue!

Nia is an organic practice.

Fitness. Dance. Life.

Body. Mind. Spirit. Emotions.

Gratitude.