Ready for part two?
I'm reading a wonderful book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown. It's an easy read but the material is a little uncomfortable and processing this material is an invitation for me to take a much deeper look and do some gritty work with why I do some of the things I do and why I react the way I do.
Incongruent. Incongruency. Inconsistency. Not congruent. Funny I pick a math word...
I have spent my entire life hiding. In the past, the very whisper of being vulnerable was intolerable - physically, mentally, in spirit and emotions. Until very recently.
When I was 12 a teacher told my parents that I was stupid and wouldn't learn. That was the end and the beginning of the world for me.
POINT: I was really afraid the teacher was right, no - I was certain the teacher was right.
I didn't know that I was ADHD until I was re-diagnosed in college. I did know that there was something "wrong" with me and since it was not ever a family discussion topic I figured it was something to be ashamed of and to hide.
Instead of owning who I am, I pretended to be something else. I made important life choices based on who I "should" be that didn't suit me at all and swallowed anger and resentment.
I'm a teacher and I always have been. Even as a child, I loved sharing information I'd learned and people listened. When I got into fitness I felt like I could breath for the first time. It was my chance to combine the benefits of being a deeply somatic human being with sharing what I knew and loved. Fun for awhile. Ok, so now I'd found my niche and I wanted more than the conventional fitness world offered me. Enter Nia.
The life choices for who I was "supposed to be" have come back to bite me in the ass (as they always do) and something has to change.
I've decided to no longer live in incongruency.
It's time to create a life for myself that is, indeed, MY life.
I'm weird - yep! I'm different - definitely!!
I'm also extremely curious (particularly about people and what makes them tick, body and mind). I love to read and reasearch (so many books, so little time!). I can get a little obsessive from time to time and have to know as much about a subject as is humanly possible. I live my life in my body. (I consider this a wonderful gift I have had all my life.) Many, many of my day to day experiences are processed on a somatic level before my head gets hold of them. I also have a sharp, quirky, twisted, richly warped sense of humor that gets me in trouble on a pretty regular basis! I'm musical, athletic, impatient, patient, compassionate, finely wired and intensely emotional.
I am now able to see being vulnerable as a positive attribute though I admit, living in vulnerability makes me a little nervous sometimes. It also tends to make some others around me uncomfortable.
In an effort to be "what I was supposed to be", I created long term damage to my body that I may be healing for the rest of my life. When I stepped into Nia, I found what my body needs and what it loves.
In an effort to be "what I was supposed to be", I created long term damage to my mind and emotions. Slowly, but surely, I am healing the wounds of incongruent living.
Like I said yesterday, my spirit is very happy with the changes. I still get stuck, have blocks and struggle to figure out how to turn theory into movement, but with the windows and doors unbarred and obstacles beginning to clear away, I like to think that anything is possible.
As a matter of fact, I DO believe that anything is possible!
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