Finding peace in the midst of this hurricane that has been my life is a desire I have spent the better part of this year (and much of my life) lamenting (ok, fine - whining) over.
So much time, so much wasted energy and ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
STOP TALKING!
"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."
"When the time is right."
When I need the information, it will be available for me.
Three days ago I discovered the ability to quiet the running commentary that has been a part of my mental self for as long as I can remember. I don't mean ignore, control or get rid of thoughts I didn't want to have. (Personally I do not believe such a thing is possible since the natural reaction is to think more about the "forbidden" thing rather than less!)
I have been doing study work for my Black Belt intensive, and concepts that did not resonate with me previously are becoming clear (or more clear). Yay! The best part has been the integration of concepts that previously felt foreign. With each belt intensive my integration process is a little different. Sometimes it feels as though a principle had been mine all my life, with others, I feel as though I'm thinking through mud!
Why?
When the principle was not easily embodied FIRST - my mind jumped in and started chatting.
All this time (since my White Belt in 1999), I've been fighting the trees to see the damn forest!
I've spent my entire life monitoring the emotional equivalent of ricocheting bullets. In quiet, day-to-day life, my emotional body hums. During periods of stress, restlessness in all realms, and emotional volatility belied the unbearable presence of my overfed emotional self.
The more consistently I work with my Nia principles (particularly Brown 2, 4 and 6) the more I understand what fuels and feeds my emotional energy. Most recently integration has given me peace and quiet. Without the ongoing monologue to feed my emotions, and keep me aching, angry or hurt, I am simply quiet and watching - waiting for what comes next.
Once I let go of the commentaries, I noticed that there has been reduced tension in my body and my emotions have been settled. As I have never before been a woman with "settled" emotions, I keep going in to feel! HA! Settled.
Above, I used the expression "let go of" in terms of quieting my mind. I do not push my thoughts away, I don't argue with them and I don't attempt to ignore them. I take a breath, let my body soften and expand (as opposed to contracting or huddling around the effort) and I let the chatter slip away. Oh, yea, and I've been sleeping better!
This is a new way to be, for me. Lovely. Elegant. Smooth. Comfortable.
Do I own it? Definitely not. It's a practice and being Embryonic, if I'm not vigilant I'll slip back into old patterns. I catch the monologue in mid-tsunami throughout the day (complete with body tension and emotion) and let it go - ahhhhhhhhhh - peace.
Peace.
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