It's Not You, It's Me!

Let me preface this posting by acknowledging the concept of words as mere sounds. Yes, Jason, I am working with this. It resonates deeply. This posting is not about words, however, it’s about the intention behind the words.

"There is power in vulnerability."

Someone I trust said this to me not long ago. She said this in response to my disclosure of:

when I meet you, you have my trust. You don't have to prove yourself. I also give multiple chances if you do something that threatens that trust. After awhile (or something catastrophic), it's gone and then if the relationship is to continue, there's work on both sides.

My trusted friend doesn't agree. It's important to stay vulnerable, that's where the strength is. I understand. There is nothing to be taken when it’s offered.  (The most dangerous man is the one who has nothing to lose.)

I am openly vulnerable. I rarely hide my feelings. (I'm lousy at it, anyway - you can pretty much just look at my face...) My Nia practice has been instrumental in my continued ability to remain open and vulnerable. Not needy (though occasionally in need, like we all are from time to time), but searching.

Here's my question: when can I just be good and pissed off and hurt when someone else is careless? Truthfully, in a culture that is supposedly moving towards honoring others, I feel like we're moving backwards. Yes, I appreciate that I no longer need validation from another person in order to feel sad, however, it seems that I can't be angry with someone else for damaging behavior because it's "just where they are". When I am hurt from the words or behavior of another, when do I get to be hurt?

I have stepped into a world of healers. And there is another language spoken. It’s a beautiful language for those truly living the words. For others, some mere pretenders and others still making the climb, it is a slippery slope of communication.

It’s easy to hide behind lovely poetic, new agey speak such as “I’m just not in a place where I can…”, “I can’t be what you need me to be” (that’s a very smooth way of shifting responsibility), “this is not about you, this is my issue”, (so even if you are hit by shrapnel, unfortunate) “this is not part of my journey” (therefore I am free to be as irresponsible and totally unaccountable for my actions as I like).

How about:

“I really don’t care about you or your feelings.  This is about me and I’m going to do whatever it takes to get what I want and if you happen to become collateral damage, well, that’s too bad. When I’m where I want to be, then maybe I’ll consider caring about someone else. But don’t count on it being you.”

I like that much better. (No sarcasm here.) It is honest (yikes!). It is taking full responsibility for behavior (novel idea, I know). It’s courageous (yea, baby, it’s takes some serious gonads to say that to someone’s face – NOT their email!). The downside – WOW is it gonna hurt!! But I guess it’s kinda like the band aid thing – just R I P it off! Whatdaya think?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” First this little expression was something guys said to dump their girlfriends. Then it became a cliché, then a joke.

Now it’s back again in the form of “this is my process”.

Back to my preface. Words. Words. Words.

90% of what I communicate is N O T the words I use.

Rinse and Repeat:

90% of what we communicate is N O T the words we use.

Just to be sure:

90% of what we communicate is N O T the words we use.

Even in those individuals most disastrously disconnected from their bodies, 90% of what they are conveying will not come from the words they choose.

If I tell you that I am a healer, that I am sensitive, intuitive, supportive and nurturing and during our conversation I make minimal eye contact, do not sit facing you and rarely remember the details of the conversation – will you leave me with “healer”, “sensitive”, and “intuitive,” “supportive” and “nurturing”?

If you tell me that you are a healer, that you are sensitive, intuitive, supportive and nurturing  and during our conversation you make minimal eye contact, do not sit facing me and rarely remember the details of the conversation – your words, “healer”, “sensitive”, “intuitive,” “supportive” and “nurturing” will not be what I receive.

“Walk the Walk”,

“Actions Speak Louder than Words”,

are a couple more cliché’s.

• Am I always graceful, efficient, succinct and on-target with my communication? Nope.
• Am I carrying hefty word-related baggage from my childhood that occasionally gets in the way of my ability to transmit and receive with impeccability? Absolutely.
• Do I get confused when someone says one thing with words, but what they do communicates a different intention? Yep.
• Do I want to be the transmitter or receiver of the “How About” paragraph? Never. Ever.

I have work to do.

Technology is wonderful. I love, love, love email, Facebook and texting.

What’s not to love?

I can’t see your body or your face, so impeccability is vital. I will say what I mean, no tone or attitude implied. I ask that you do the same.

If you made a mess of something, clean it up and I will do the same.

 (Does this sound like I'm taking way too much stuff personally? Allow me to clarify. I am not. I take very little personally. [And, please let us not venture into the realms of "don't take everything so personally, it's not about you", "this is not personal", or "get over it, "cheer up", "smile", "I was just kidding"...]

Some things are personal.)