Into butterfly

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
~Maya Angelou

I don't feel like a butterfly.

I am in awareness exhaustion. Is it possible to o.d. on awareness? I'm beginning to believe that it might be a good thing to miss stuff on a regular basis!

What I am experiencing has bypassed awareness and become vigilance - hyper vigilance even. 

This is the fourth post I have started. I intend to finish this one even if it's only these lines.

I'm feeling dramatic and the ball-bearings are well-lubricated...

I've never been one to have one life challenge going on at a time. No, I prefer to have several. I'm not talking "I'm tired of making dinner, how am I going to handle this" or "I've decided to change wellness centers I hope no one gets their feelings hurt." Noo, I'd rather juggle cannon balls!

Divorce. Financial Stability. Back to School - New Job. Kids going to/back to College. Losing Parents. Losing Friends. Relocating.

 River? I'm in the middle of the fucking OCEAN!!!!!!

I sure hope my Long Coat comes with floaties!

and right now my life is a Magnet!

I invited it in. All of it.

I knew that when I set my intention.

I knew it every time I stepped foot in a Nia intensive. They're called intensives for a reason! That is part of what attracts me. The work is powerful enough to turn me inside out every time - every intensive has had profound, life-changing effects - every single one. The work is that powerful - and I'm willing to climb in for the ride. I'm willing to dig; to dive deeply and stand in the results.

Waves of realization, of recognition, of revelation crash too fast for me to find words. I'm too busy grabbing for a quick breath before the next wave hits. When the waves subside momentarily, I take stock in what the deep has left. What sediment will I uncover? What unpolished diamonds among the cruel glass shards?

Waves push me into nearby caves for what now passes for relief; respite for my razor-stripped nervous system and core-rattled Spirit.

Weeks spent hanging, suspended in light-splintered darkness; starring into the abyss, its embrace dangerously sweet in its quiet stillness and cloying peace.

One day I wake up and its all fallen away. I have been released and my heart and mind are light and sunny. I redefine my life without effort and the concrete blocks I created and maintained begin to crumble. No longer trapped in "I am", taking pleasure in effervescence - taking pleasure in myself. 

I spent too long waiting, searching, hoping and planning.

I hear the ocean waves crashing in the distance. Salt water delicately nibbles at my toes and burns still-raw wounds as a reminder. When the scars are not so fresh I will poke around and investigate. I will not hide these scars, nor will I hide behind them like shields. They are visible and less visible footprints - they are evidence of my journey, an on-going metamorphosis of sorts - butterfly.