Movement Alchemy

I am launching my new business, Movement Alchemy.

It's my life's dream. It's what I am and what I love doing almost more than anything else.

Please visit my new website:

www.movementalchemy.com

Take a few minutes to read Body Blog.

 Check out Classes 8-10 all over the 'burbs, Labs, Workshops and 

Sole Practice - one-on-one work that will launch in October.

It's Nia and beyond. It's Fitness, and more. It's Awareness and deeper. 

Balance Your Body, Balance Your Life.

My first Lab, "Passion"  is happening Sunday, September 30 from 1-3pm at the Clarus Center. For more information, go by www.movementalchemy.com.

Since I've shifted gears I'm going to let this blog rest for a while. Thank you for reading. I hope you'll join in at Movement Alchemy.

With Gratitude, Pleasure and Love,

Catherine

My Greatest Strength is My Greatest Weakness: Shadows

My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness and the inverse is also true. 

It's taken me a long time to really embody this. Until recently, I could not even entertain the idea that what I considered my weakness could, in any way also be considered a strength. My weakness needed to either be "managed" or hidden - which to me pretty much amounted to the same thing - keep others from seeing.

(This is a bit lengthy as it's the first time [ever] that have communicated this journey and have not discovered how to "cut to the chase" just yet! Feel free to skim and jump to the end if you can process it that way.)

The problem has been that my so-called weakness is such an integral part of my personality and character that I have not been able to hide it for long."Managing" it became a Jekyll and Hyde dance of struggle.

I have quite a few projects going on right now (which makes me very happy) and one is participating in a video series created by Christian Pankhurst (feel free to check out his work - Accelerated Awakening). Part of this work is doing the homework - some fill-in-the-blanks to reinforce the video experience and then some introspective work with short journaling. I love this! I'm freakishly tactile so I benefit greatly from paper and pencil work.

"Shadows" in this work are defined as the parts of us that we keep hidden; the skeletons in the closet - the monster in the basement... The downside is that it takes a lot of energy to keep something hidden - if I'm not making sure nothing is peeking out, I'm in constant fear that someone is going to go poking around and uncover something.

I have learned what defensive strategies I use (consciously and unconsciously) to keep my Shadow hidden, how I soothe the grief and disappointment of feeling unaccepted, mostly by myself (this is not part of the series work, this is my own work) and what could happen if I were to view my Shadow as a gift.

My Shadow is the reason I've had Nia classes to teach for 8 or so years. My Shadow is also the reason I have difficulties connecting to others deeply and lost friends, and potential partners. When I was a teenager, my Shadow manifested as an activist. After I was informed that I couldn't change the world and should mind my own business, my attention shifted to a variety of movement forms and subjects such as Astronomy, the Assassination of JFK, Middle Eastern history, Ancient Egypt, etc, etc, then fitness. I began to teach fitness but what I really meant was I-wanna-understand-how-our-beautiful-bodies-do-what-they-do-and-I-wanna-share-this-growing-passion-with-others! 

Calculus was the wall I hit in Astronomy! The concepts are fascinating but without the math, I could only go so far. I found my wall in fitness too, but it was a different wall. Fitness was about the physical realm and when I began to marry my dance background with fitness I felt the doors opening in mental, spirit and emotional realms as well and I had to go into the light! At the time, and even now, few were willing to go with me. That was okay, my Shadow was excited to come out and play!

When Nia and I found each other and came to a mutual understanding (it was not love at first dance for us), my Shadow and I began the long journey towards integration, truth of self, self-acceptance and deeply understanding the meaning of the statement with which I began this lengthy post.

Through a interesting twist of fate I am inviting the activist back into my life and just yesterday I exchanged a communication that dropped some of the most enlightening information in my lap that I have ever received.

I have learned to dance with my shadow.

I have learned that not only is it a solo dance. If and when another joins my dance or invites me into his or hers, I have more than exuberance and "gross" emotional anatomy. I have finer emotional motor skills that I can engage. 

These skills will allow room for both of us to dance. 

If I misstep and lose my partner for a beat or two, I have the space to adjust and find a step with more flow without diminishing my partner's dance or my ability to adapt.

I am grateful.

Post Script: When I hid her, my Shadow would often emerge as anger, not entirely unlike Fire Starter. Flares would appear until I could get the door slammed shut and bolted. Choosing my "battles" went a long way towards fewer and fewer flares, but until I unbolted the door and invited her out into the light, I was only in relationship with two-thirds of my self. Now I choose to unbolt the door, release the struggle and thrive.

Into butterfly

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."
~Maya Angelou

I don't feel like a butterfly.

I am in awareness exhaustion. Is it possible to o.d. on awareness? I'm beginning to believe that it might be a good thing to miss stuff on a regular basis!

What I am experiencing has bypassed awareness and become vigilance - hyper vigilance even. 

This is the fourth post I have started. I intend to finish this one even if it's only these lines.

I'm feeling dramatic and the ball-bearings are well-lubricated...

I've never been one to have one life challenge going on at a time. No, I prefer to have several. I'm not talking "I'm tired of making dinner, how am I going to handle this" or "I've decided to change wellness centers I hope no one gets their feelings hurt." Noo, I'd rather juggle cannon balls!

Divorce. Financial Stability. Back to School - New Job. Kids going to/back to College. Losing Parents. Losing Friends. Relocating.

 River? I'm in the middle of the fucking OCEAN!!!!!!

I sure hope my Long Coat comes with floaties!

and right now my life is a Magnet!

I invited it in. All of it.

I knew that when I set my intention.

I knew it every time I stepped foot in a Nia intensive. They're called intensives for a reason! That is part of what attracts me. The work is powerful enough to turn me inside out every time - every intensive has had profound, life-changing effects - every single one. The work is that powerful - and I'm willing to climb in for the ride. I'm willing to dig; to dive deeply and stand in the results.

Waves of realization, of recognition, of revelation crash too fast for me to find words. I'm too busy grabbing for a quick breath before the next wave hits. When the waves subside momentarily, I take stock in what the deep has left. What sediment will I uncover? What unpolished diamonds among the cruel glass shards?

Waves push me into nearby caves for what now passes for relief; respite for my razor-stripped nervous system and core-rattled Spirit.

Weeks spent hanging, suspended in light-splintered darkness; starring into the abyss, its embrace dangerously sweet in its quiet stillness and cloying peace.

One day I wake up and its all fallen away. I have been released and my heart and mind are light and sunny. I redefine my life without effort and the concrete blocks I created and maintained begin to crumble. No longer trapped in "I am", taking pleasure in effervescence - taking pleasure in myself. 

I spent too long waiting, searching, hoping and planning.

I hear the ocean waves crashing in the distance. Salt water delicately nibbles at my toes and burns still-raw wounds as a reminder. When the scars are not so fresh I will poke around and investigate. I will not hide these scars, nor will I hide behind them like shields. They are visible and less visible footprints - they are evidence of my journey, an on-going metamorphosis of sorts - butterfly.

Revelations 1

Years ago, when our Nia forum would come in through email, Ann Christiansen posted about "doing the work" in order to deliver the promise of Nia. As teachers, one way we define Nia is as a movement form that touches all aspects of the self: Body, Mind, Spirit and Emotions.  

I can say in this moment that "the work" for BMES for me is through BMES. At the time, what I received was about listening to the music and spending time with the work.

 I have begun the journey again - to become a Nia teacher. This is a journey I take after each week-long belt intensive. It’s not called an intensive for nothing. 

Black Belt, however, was truly a return to embryonic for me. 

(And I'm sure it was no coincidence that Ann was one of my Black Belt trainers!)

I am learning to breathe again. 

The meaning of Inhalation. What it is to Exhale. 

Like everyone, I began the walk through my life with my first breaths. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Gasp. Pant. Fill. Empty. To fill I must empty. You and I just shared this moment of revelation. Since 1999 I have been distractedly contemplating being empty. Consciously empty. Empty to wait. Uh-hu, yea, got it.

Not At All.

I understood the meaning of each word. I got the jist of the words in this particular combination. 

Two minutes ago I received the meaning in my body. 

In every breath there is fill and empty. Breathing is an autonomic function of the body. I never have to tell myself to breath (outside of those stress-crazy moments). Nor do I tell myself to yawn when I haven’t breathed quite deeply enough to get the oxygen my body knows it needs (thank you, wise body). It happens when it needs to. (Then some genius went and conditioned us to believe that yawning is rude – it means we’re bored of something or someone and we must stifle yawns so as not to offend anyone. Mmmm, sacrificing something healthy so as not to offend anyone… Much eye-rolling.)

I learned ages ago that my lungs must expel the carbon dioxide so that I can take in fresh air to circulate through my body for life. The same goes for my mind, heart and spirit. I must also expel the waste products that have been created by the process of living so that I have room to welcome in new, fresh information, people and events that stimulate creativity, growth, agility and expansion . This is not a catharsis I’m referring to so I’m not going to find some place to go and scream or write letters to people or throw out the contents of my closet. I sense this as more a shift in perspective.

The exhale refers to the waste products I have accumulated and need to release so that I can avoid toxicity. The old ideas I have relative to all aspects of my self, back to Body, Mind, Spirit and Emotions.  Behaviors that I hang on to or resist changing out of fear (what will I do if I don’t do that?). 

The biggest shift will be in how I let the world see me. 

One of the most common comments I receive when someone really gets to know me (or momentarily dives into an intimate element such as music) is “you’re not like I thought you were at all!” This has been nagging at me. Just a week ago I decided that what I want – what I intend to accomplish in the near future is to have ‘the inside of me’ match the ‘outside of me’. In this way, I am temporarily incongruent and this incongruency is creating a life that I don’t want.

So what now...

Beautiful - Inhale

I am my mother’s daughter in a few ways. Aging is not one of them. She and my grandmother, though were my only yardsticks. Neither of them exercised – at all. My grandmother stayed busy. Unfortunately my mother did not. Reading, watching tv and going to eat (in or out) are not considered activities that will keep the human body strong, flexible, agile, mobile and stable.

My outsides look cool, my insides are blue
Every time I think I'm through, it's because of you
I've tried different ways, but it's all the same
At the end of the day, I have myself to blame
Keep on trippin'

Occasionally, when I’m talking about Nia to a certain demographic and the conversation heads in a particular direction I will mention my age. Nine times out of ten the response will be, “Yes, you’re so tiny!” Maybe even 10 out of 10 (and the size of the woman or women in the conversation doesn’t seem to be relevant). I’m not a big woman. I’m a touch above average height and I’m proportioned like an athlete (which is far more acceptable now then when I was in high school). I’m not willowy like my beautiful marathon-running friend Teri, nor am I petite like lovely Kendra, or voluptuous like red-head beauty, Sandi. I’m neat. All that said, I guess it gives context, but it isn’t really the point.

Size isn’t the point. Size does not reflect level of intelligence. Size does not correlate to the level of artistic giftedness. Size won’t assure loyalty, honesty, reliability, motivation, skill level. Nor will size indicate the quality of any human being. I can’t tell how strong or deficient someone is in math by looking at their size. I can’t be certain that they will be able to write in any desirable prose or use a camera with insightful eyes. Size does not offer a view into the abundance of kindness, mercy or tolerance. In short, size means nothing. Put into the perspective that is often expressed as a value of society – size means nothing.

Is this reality?

Warp and twist that perspective there before us lies what almost every teen age girl (and more than a few teen age boys) will know: if you’re a girl you had better be thin. To be accepted, to be a part of a group, to be loved, we must be thin. As young girls, we are so indoctrinated into this sub-culture, that it haunts many of us for the rest of our lives, no matter how we look.

What happened to size doesn’t mean anything? The curious reality is that it still doesn’t. The fascinatingly wicked part is that WE – the same WE who will acknowledge the “size isn’t the point” paragraph – WE have created this. We have decided that size does mean something. We dreamed up, built and maintain the very box to which we object. We do not wish to be objectified, we don’t want to be forced to conform – we want to be individual, different – we want to be ourselves. We know what we know, yet we build an iron maiden for ourselves and we lock it from the inside…

You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make-up that M·A·C can make
But if you can look inside you
Find out who am I, too
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty

I Feel Pretty/Unpretty originally written by Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim / Corey Glover, Michael Cirincione, Dallas Austin, Tionne Watkins

Beautiful - first breath

My outsides are cool, my insides are blue
Every time I think I'm through, it's because of you
I've tried different ways, but it's all the same
At the end of the day, I have myself to blame
I'm just trippin'

What is beauty? What do we consider beautiful? Why do we consider certain qualities and characteristics beautiful? Did someone tell us? Is it a “gut” reaction? Why don’t we all consider the exact same people beautiful?

I’m ok with the number that supposedly represents my age. I don’t volunteer it often unless asked directly. The older I get, the more things change after the number is spoken. When I look at it from a different perspective in which the number is irrelevant - I L O V E my age. I love everything I’ve learned (ok, some things I could have gone my whole life not learning and been ok and, yea, I don’t necessarily love some of the ways in which I’ve acquired certain knowledge/wisdom) – mostly – and I like the vantage point.

You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the makeup that M·A·C can make
But if you can look inside you
Find out who am I, too
Be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty

I feel pretty, oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright

Recently comments were made regarding Madonna’s performance at the Super Bowl. One of the hosts of the show exclaimed at how amazing it was that she could move that way at her age. Out of the corner of my ear, I believe I heard the number 53 tossed about. I’m not 50 yet but I’m close enough so that I don’t understand the surprise. I wonder how many other Nia teachers out there are also wondering why it should be surprising.

Never insecure until I met you, now I'm bein' stupid
I used to be so cute to me, just a little bit skinny

Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy?

Maybe get rid of you, and then I'll get back to me

(I Feel Pretty/Unpretty originally written by Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim / Corey Glover, Michael Cirincione, Dallas Austin, Tionne Watkins)