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Who's Life AM I Living? Conditioning and Incongruency

This is a two parter! Just so you know. And, um, this is part one...

During my Brown Belt intensive this past October, Debbie Rosas Stewart talked about life at home and the Nia life (my translation). She poked a stick at my attempts at leading a normal, dual existence. What Debbie said amounted to the concept that I cannot have a fabulous Nia life/career when the rest of my life "sucks". I don't know if anyone at the studio noticed, but I'm pretty sure I turned green. No. Now I realize that just because Debbie says it doesn't make it true - but I know a truth for me when I hear it - and feel it and this one hit me square in the pit of my stomach.

For 6 years I have been living this double life - aren't you glad you tuned in for today's drama?!? Very consciously, with all the mindfulness that would make Thich Nhat Hanh proud, I have separated my "personal" life from Nia. Nia is my Joy, my pleasure, my fun and has been my crutch and my shield. The rest of my life is complicated (see my Facebook status?!) - but whos isn't? (You can read more about this in part two so stay tuned!)

Over the course of my childhood I learned to express my emotions (particularly the angry ones), but I did not learn to respect what I felt. As I grew up I became the angry woman; with a

hair-trigger volatile temper. I was out of control. I was also lonely and disconnected - a hair-traigger makes it difficult for other people to relax and trust. Family conditioned me to express my emotions (I was the "angry woman", but I experienced love as deeply as I experienced anger). Society conditioned me to be embarrassed and ashamed by my facility to express. As a teenager I felt no need to fit in - I had always been "different" and I was ok with that. As I got older and got past the stage of teen angst, I discovered that I kinda did wanna fit in and have friends and be "normal". While I had resisted the conditioning of society, I still knew what it was about and what the rules were if I was to be a successful human being.

I learned to fit in. I conditioned my body to be lean and fit so that I could wear the "right" clothes to wear to outings and events. I even knew how to dress for a certain sub-group of people I would be spending time with at a given event. I conditioned my mind as I learned the language and how to use it. I conditioned my emotions and my spirit by quieting the out-spoken person living inside the presentable face. Given that I am a "pleaser" all of the above was pretty easy to accomplish. With sweater sets in a multitude of colors and button styles and my volunteer resume' always in hand, I was practically June Cleaver! I even had the pearls!!!! I rose in the ranks of the Mom Crowd. I was voted onto a school board, I even became VP of Volunteers! I had arrived.

Then (dum dum dum), I moved to a place where nothing I did made me acceptable. I couldn't wear the right clothes, or make the right sort of conversation. I wasn't pretty enough, or plain enough, or tall enough or short enough, feminine enough, athletic enough, modest enough or bold enough. I just wasn't enough.

This "enough" thing had always been around. Throughout my adulthood I felt the need to work to please, because in my heart and mind I knew that I wasn't enough, but if I worked hard enough (which I couldn't ofcourse), I might be sufficiently acceptable. I would never be "enough", but that was something I would just have to live with and hide. If I could be pleasing, maybe no one would notice my lack of enough-ness.

With all of this conditioning under my belt, I found myself in a situation in which nothing I did made me acceptable. After a couple of years of this, I finally came to the conclusion that, hell, if I'm not going to be the right kind of anything, no matter what I did, I may as well just be me. But I'd spent all those years squelching, resisting, holding in and numbing the "right" emotions so that no reaction could slip out without proper processing. I had effectively rendered the "angry woman" powerless. I rarely felt angry anymore. I also rarely felt joyful or excited (being too excited about anything is also not acceptable in adult society) about much.

I started teaching Nia and not only did I fall in love with the way Nia made me feel in terms of physical sensation, but I fell in love with the philosophies. I am completely in love with the concept of tweaking Nia to fit my body as opposed to tweaking or changing my body to fit Nia. To be in relationship with Nia I only have to be who and what I am. I no longer have to go through some convoluted process in order for Nia to accept me (or for Debbie to accept me).

I am, yet again, re-conditioning myself, but with far more finesse then ever before. I am gently asking my body what it needs and I am truly listening. When I react emotionally, I am taking a moment (or 120) to dig out the real cause with compassion and patience. I am stalking my mind for judgements. It is my intention to let thoughts just pass through without attaching any immediate significance. This is my biggest challenge - lots of patience required here. As for my spirit - it's never been happier! The more I accept who I am the more creative I become and the more Joyful.

I am passionate. I am strong. I am curious. I am opinionated. I am Loving. I am uncertain. I am impatient and patient. I am tolerant. I am compassionate. I am easily distracted. I suck at math. I am creative. I am sensitive. I am healing.

If any of this resonates with you, please feel free to share your experience.

The Art of Pleasure

"The state or feeling of being pleased."

Thank you Random House College dictionary. I'm pleased by that definition of pleasure, aren't you? I'm not ecstatic, but I'm pleased that there is no judgement. Does that definition give me pleasure? Mmm, not so much.

I taught my 9am Nia class this morning. THAT gave me pleasure. My spirit realm was a little quiet but that's ok. Teaching Nia classes is my job and my job gives me pleasure. How many people can say that? Actually, I derive so much pleasure from teaching (and taking) Nia classes, that my body aches in a particular way if I miss a day.

Before I started teaching Nia I didn't think alot about the word pleasure outside of sex. I didn't think a whole lot about happiness either, except when I was un.

Now I seek pleasure each day. I seek happiness each day. Sex every day is a wonderful way to find pleasure. Happily, it is not the only source of pleasure.

Happy Factoid #1: Pleasure is not an indulgence!

That little tidbit actually does give me pleasure. I like knowing that as I go through my day, choosing the lovely balsamic vinegar for my salad is not a choice for a special occasion. I like knowing that feeding my body higher quality, nutritious food that pleasures my taste buds is not a guilty, uh, pleasure.

Happy Factoid #2: Pleasure is a necessity.

If you want to have friends and you want family members who do not cringe every time you walk into the room, you must remember Happy Factoid #2!!

When I take care of myself, when I give my body the rest and dance it enjoys, it repays me by giving me more opportunities (in the form of energy to burn) to do the things I want to do. When I give my mind the quiet it needs; when I release thoughts that are of no use to me, my mind repays me by being clear and sharp. When I give my emotions what they need in the way of gently processing what comes in, I can choose what I respond to and not feel overwhelmed by reacting to everything. I am repaid with patience, tolerance and emotional endurance. When I give my spirit what it needs - a voice and a willing ear - it repays me with sensitivity, creativity and an openness to inspiration from unexpected sources.

When I take the time to take care of myself/insure daily pleasure, I have more energy, I am able to think clearly, and I am loving and creative. That's not a bad result for basic upkeep!

Happy Factoid #3: Pleasure is every where.

Pleasure is possible in every thing that we do all through the day, we simply have to choose to experience with pleasure.

Waking up in the morning (my challenge to find pleasure) - before growling about having to get up so damn early - STOP. I'm going to lie in my bed for a moment, my warm, soft bed that cradles my body perfectly. I'm going to take a gentle breath and enjoy the sensation of my breath as it fills and empties my lungs. NOW I am going to get up.

Next, I'm headed to the shower. Today it's not going to be a "car wash". It won't take any longer in the shower, but this morning I am going to appreciate the temperature of the water. I'm going to be mindful of my body as I wash it - thanking each part for everything it does for me every day. Each morning I'm going to pick a favorite body part. As I put on lotion and pull on my clothes, I will choose to go through these movements with ease and find pleasure in the very routines I usually perform on automatic pilot.

Happy Factoid #4: Turn off the automatic pilot to find pleasure!!

Getting out of bed and showering will be where I choose to find pleasure today. Tomorrow I will be mindful as I eat my meals, honoring textures, flavors and temperature.

Rinse and Repeat: Turn off the automatic pilot to find pleasure!

Each day I will be conscious through a routine experience. I will seek the pleasure in what I normally do without thinking.

As Necessary: Turn off the automatic pilot to find pleasure!!

I do not need to spend any extra time or money if I don't wish to. Finding pleasure doesn't have to be a new pair of shoes or a manicure and pedicure, but it can be.

Pleasure. Every day. All around. In all realms. In the little things.

Within our grasp every minute. We just have to choose...

Balance

From "do these pants make my butt look big?" to "how do I find balance in my life?" - wow, the life-shifting questions never stop coming in my life!!!

After 40-something years of searching and asking and listening and watching I have come up with the answer that works for me. I am feeling so good about this answer that I thought I would share it!

Drum roll please - NO PEEKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the balance.

that's it

what is it?

Over the past 6 years I have discovered that when I am balanced in Body, Mind, Spirit and Emotions, my life is in much better balance. There may still be a full-on familial catastrophe raging around me but I can manage. This is one of the most profound acquisitions of my life.

When I teach Nia, my choreography is always balanced. Debbie Rosas Stewart and Carlos AyaRosas wisely chose to bring in the energy and chemistry of nine movement forms as they developed Nia. That means that from class to class and program to program my body moves in a variety of ways, reducing my potential for injury (and boredom!).

The 9 Movement Forms are divided up into 3 categories. In the Dance Arts it is the energy and chemistry of Jazz, Modern and Duncan Dance. In the Martial Arts, Tae Kwon Do, Aikido and T'ai Chi. In the Healing Arts, Yoga with the Alexander Technique and the Feldenkrais Method (both considered body integration therapies).

FROM THE PHYSICAL:

I get Strong, Agile, Flexible, Mobile and Stable from the wide variety of movement choices I have every time I dance. Unless I choose to bring in repetition I do not have to expect injuries from overuse. My body can reflect emotion, it can reflect endurance and cardiovascular health as well as pleasure. It is the sensation of Joy that keeps me coming back.

FROM THE MIND:

I am conscious of the fact that my body moves differently to express the energy of each form. I know that in my body each form has a distinct "look". I am also aware of how each form feels to my body.

In my mind Jazz is sparkling, sexy, center-of-attention, flashy. Modern gives my mind and body the opportunity to shape shift, to give form to feeling. Duncan frees the child in me - gives me fairy wings, a silly purple cape made of diamonds that floats and the imagination to dance anywhere I wish to be in the moment.

Tae Kwon Do reminds me to be precise. I am the fight; strong, aggressive, assertive, and confident. Aikido's energy is grounded and centered. To win in this fight I will become aware of the energy of my "opponent". I do not need to struggle, I will blend my energy with his and we will flow. T'ai Chi, elegant and timeless, powerfully grounded, graceful and understated.

Yoga shows me alignment and balance in Yin and Yang. The Feldenkrais Method invites me to heightened awareness of how I "use" myself and how better to move and live with ease and efficiency. The Alexander Technique in practice refines kinesthetic sensitivity and shares with practitioner movement that is fluid and lively rather than rigid.

FROM THE SPIRIT:

Bring on the inspiration and the Joy!!

Nine Movement Forms + 40-something years movement experience = unlimited possibilities.

Spirit is where "anything goes, movement-wise" and I can get creative. No judgements, no planning; just my Witness to observe my habits and tendancies. Where I personalize to receive exactly what I need. This is where I learn to accept, appreciate and love my habits and tendancies and this is also where I find new ways of doing what I do.

FROM THE EMOTIONS:

Any and all emotions can be expressed through movement.

General Note: It is my belief that there are no "bad" emotions and no "good" emotions. There are simply emotions. They exist to give us guidance. They exist to keep us happy, healthy, safe and balanced (mmm, there's that word again...). We all have emotions - we all have the same number of emotions (yes, even you guys - same number!) and we are all entitled to feel whatever it is we feel. That's it. Now it's what we do with what we feel that makes the difference. This is where things can get sticky. The Energy Allies are a help here so refer back to my previous posting if you need to.

Dealing with emotions is not unlike dealing with a physical injury - address it and deal with it as it comes up. If not, injury may worsen, infection may set in and unhappiness is not far behind.

Lecture over.

Our emotional state varies from day to day. Conversations can affect how and what we are feeling. Music can have an effect on our emotions. Movement may also affect emotion; how we move our bodies can be a powerful emotional trigger. Enjoying a class for pleasure and fitness feels safe. Experiencing a class that moves my body in a way that brings up an unpleasant past may not feel so safe. It may not feel safe but it is normal and healthy. It is up to me to adjust my "volume control" so that I am not overwhelmed with what comes up. I can acknowledge and dance with it (rather than stuffing it down) at a manageable level for me.

The Dance Arts give me the opportunity to pretend, to act "as if", to express; to be larger than life or invisible. I can express the full range of my emotions through movement to a degree that is manageable and satisfying for me. The Martial Arts invites me to sense the aggressive, powerful, fearless side of myself; the side that growls and yells. The Healing Arts shows me ways to be at ease, ways to take care of myself and appreciate the amazing body I have.

I have acquired the ability to balance my life through balancing my self.

I am balance.

Body Works

I am not a mechanic. I will never be a mechanic. I do know how to drive a car and I do it on an annoyingly regular basis. I am a good driver too! I am still not a mechanic.

I have a car that I drive every day and I don't need to be a mechanic to do this. There are times when I take it in for an oil change and they find all kinds of other, expensive issues, that I might like to be a mechanic, but otherwise, I do not need to be a mechanic to drive my car.

However, I have discovered that the better I understand how my body works, the more successful I am when I ask for something from it. And, please note, I said "how MY body works". This is an important point. I happen to think that the human body is an amazing, beautiful machine capable of a delicious variety of executions, but I realize that not everyone may not feel so mesmerized by the subject. If it is YOUR body you wish to affect, then that becomes a different story.

You want to lose weight. You want to gain weight. You want to run a marathon. You want to swim 25 laps every day. You want to become an elite gymnast. You want to become a fit 40 year old woman. You want to remain a fit 47 year old woman. You want to become a more fit 52 year old man. You want to become a fit 35 year old man. You want to become Strong. You want to become Flexible. You want to become Agile. You want to become Stable. You want to become Mobile.

The more you know about YOUR body's way, the more power you have to reach your goals.

The Body's Way is our ideal. Open Gray's Anatomy and you'll see The Body's Way in visual. The Body's Way is the schematic. It tells us how we are put together and how we are to use our parts. The Body's Way shows us that we have muscles and joints so we're built to move. Sitting still for long periods has adverse effects on the way we feel (stiff, sore, fuzzy-headed, etc) so we should move often.

Going back to the mechanic. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not need to be a mechanic to operate my car, but it is to my advantage to understand how my body works in order to operate IT properly and achieve my goals. We are all generally built with the same stuff - give or take a male or a female! The really cool stuff is uncovering how WE do things our own way.

I know my body better than anyone!! I just have to be willing to listen.

POINT: After living, dancing, playing hockey, racquetball, soccer, volleyball and softball in my body with my particular disposition (I tend to be recklessly competitive) my body is no longer the ideal. I have muscle imbalances from many years of doing what came more easily. I have scar tissue from injuries and surgeries. I have premature wear and tear from a body that has been over-used and abused by careless useage. Emotional issues also leave their marks on how I move and how I use my body today.

All of that said, knowing this gives me the power to consciously heal in one particular area. That may mean waiting to begin something or going slow and being gentle. Knowing that my quads and glutes are strong, but my psoas is tight reminds me not to overdo the movements that my strong legs like.

This gives me the power to personalize. This gives you the power to personalize. The power to choose your goal and understand in a new way, how to realize that goal.

Conditioning

Once again my mother is my inspiration. I wish I could say that I have patterned my life in wellness, health and fitness from her wonderful example. The truth is that she is in a Georgia hospital for what may be the last time. For more years than I probably know, my mother has gone through her life in a body she loathed, disconnected from and refused to nurture. In response her body began to give up on her. Passively, she relinquished control of her life and it could not have been more dramatically reflected than in the condition of her body.

Conditioning.

Strength. Flexibility. Agility. Mobility. Stability.

Body. Mind. Spirit. Emotions.

Condition the Body to be strong enough to be playful, flexible and agile enough to get up and down from the floor and mobile and stable enough to always be Dancing Through Life.

Condition the Mind. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a beautiful book called "The Four Agreements - A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom". In Nia we have adopted those concepts into what we call the "Energy Allies".

• Speak Impeccably - Say what needs to be said, no more, no less.
• Don't Assume Anything - Assumptions bring stories, stories bring drama, drama brings pain. If you're wondering, go to the source and ASK!
• Don't Take Anything Personally - Everyone has their own story and can only live through their own story. It is not your story or mine so even if someone is screaming at you, it is not your story and likely not about you at all.
• Always Do Your Best - My best varies from day to day and moment to moment, but if I am truly doing my best in the moment I have no reason to judge myself and get caught up in the guilt, blame and self-punishment cycle.

It is my intention to always be in relationship with our Energy Allies and the results, for me, have been nothing short of remarkable. I'm not the poster child for perfection with them, but I can say that I am doing my best. It makes my life easier and often, not always, makes life easier for those around me!!

Condition the Emotions. Bring the Energy Allies into your life and give yourself the gift of having more freedom in your emotions. That is not to say that you will not feel pain or anger or resentment. For me, it's been like "picking my battles". In a situation I now take a split second to think to myself, "Ok, is this really important?", "Was that really an insult?", "If it was, do I care?". If the answer is no, then I have freed myself from what I perceive as unnecesary suffering. Not only that, but I may have stopped myself from causing suffering to another person.

Condition the Spirit by being open to inspiration from unexpected sources. "I just knew the phone was going to ring", "this decision just feels so right", "we were having this conversation and the idea just dropped into my head!", "I know I'm doing the right thing", "I just had to connect to that person in that moment". Personally I try to spend alot of my time here. I'm a creative person and I never know where inspiration is going to come from. With experience I have come to never shut down the opportunity for revelation.

I wish I could have shared these concepts with my mother. Whether she recovers this time or not, she will always be a significant inspiration for me to live a more balanced life.

Now, how does all this affect the immune system...

The Power of This Moment

This moment is all we have. Stay in your body in this moment. Stay in your quiet mind inthis moment. Stay emotionally unattached to thoughts in this moment (my big challenge!).

It seems that we have been conditioned to overlook the moment. We look, talk and plan for the future. We relish, regret and remember the past.

How are we in relationship with the only time that is truly ours? Are we distracted? Not feeling deeply, not hearing completely, not fully present.